My days when I was in secondary school was never good. In fact, I lived through it like a zombie with screwed up emotions, that will only ended up being a puppet to people to laugh on, compare, bully, ditch, kick, punch...It was really awful, and if not because of somebody tells me that, I never know, that during the time, I was only a mere toy for the other students to play with. Play when they want it, Throw when they are tired with it...And yet, I never take a change, never I did know where I gone wrong, maybe I REALLY did wrong in a lot of things, it's just that I'm immature, I never notice nor know about it...

I cried...in the depths of my heart...but what can I do? Nothing. I thought of suicide like certain people did, and I felt that that was the only time I was being rationale...

"I don't want to die...I want to live..."

Then I started to feel that, I've grown...But I always thought of no matter how hard I try to forget, being shadowed by past experience will never fade.

Until I went to college after I left the sad field, My life was getting better, or that's what I thought that my life WAS getting better...

But I never know that, upon my mix with college students, no one really cares about how I feel, how I really was, nor not all of them take the approach to talk with me, communicate and share their feelings with me. It almost in the situation like : When someone has the trouble, all the classmates know but only I'm the one who is left out of this. But that was happening during my second year in the college, at least, My first year during I was in the college was the one I thought I'm having my "ideal" life.

But, don't anyone else who knows me in the past, will always take me as "He thinks that he is so smartass, and he thinks he knows EVERYTHING, He thinks he is so friendly and yet being so sarcastic all the damn time. Talks so much, so loud, always talk about something uninteresting, being wearing masks to be a person yadda yadda yadda"?

When I thought of that...I was really hurt. By the fact being too knowledgable about certain aspect and fields will make me a person who is hated by people surrounding me...which is quite absurd...That's why when I feel like, "Fine, since you all think about me, I'll not, and no longer want to be friendly anymore, say what you want. I was being so nice and you all take me as a bastard? Fuck that, I'll go on my own way, and you don't need to care, Thank you very much. Yeah, I'm a jerk, screw me I don't care". Which is very sad...and I have gone into the hell, once again...My mind floats, can't concerntrate on doing well in subjects, always doing things simply and uninitiave, and, I cannot sleep well...

Until one day, when I was sleeping...My tears suddenly fall down from my cheek, I'll never forget about that day... "Why did I exist in the first place? Is it to experience something like this? or is it the answer to my fate? my life? Is it the answer to my life? Is it because what they said is really true?"

But then, when I was mumbling this...I finally found the answer. It was like a light suddenly shines through the darkness, and pull me out from it. And therefore, I was reborn...

And...Because of it, I ended up with a conclusion

"People are experiencing the negative happenings of Life and it's surroundings, it's not to test the will and capable of how human can handle emotional problems. But it is a pure, simple concept of how those things can make you learn, and adept things, and create a own, valid conclusion about problems"

And when I came up of this conclusion, I realized, I didn't really work myself onto learning mistakes, what I did is to take person as a example and follow their attitude and behviour to go through life. And of course, it will never work.

And there, I throw away the past of me, and I created my own identity, the one who is ONLY belong to my way, my reaction, my emotions, my feelings. With a very simple concept

"The only way to handle things, regardless, is to have a calm, clear state of mind and mental, Then only things will work out. The world is never perfect, therefore the only one who can create the perfect is how the heart wants the perfect creates a satisfaction, then things will go smoothly. With then, even though results never turn well, still it is a success, regardless..."